How to Process Your Emotions (When No One Taught You How)
BEFORE WE START, LET‘S TALK ABOUT WHY THIS FEELS SO HARD......
If you grew up in a family where emotions weren’t talked about, processed, or modelled in healthy ways, it makes sense that dealing with emotions were too overwhelming. Maybe they were brushed aside, or maybe no one showed you how to sit with them.
Not knowing what to do with your feelings isn’t a flaw: it’s a gap in skills that you can start learning today. This guide walks you through practical steps to begin noticing, naming, and working with your emotions so they no longer control you.
STEP ONE: PAUSE AND NOTICE
When emotions hit, our bodies want to react fast. Pausing helps you interrupt that automatic spiral.
How to do it:
Stop for one slow breath.
Say to yourself: "I notice.."
Describe what's happening like you're reporting facts: "My shoulders are tense. My voice is louder. My chest feels tight.*
You don't need to fix anything in this moment. Just notice what's happening without judgment.
(If pausing feels impossible: practice once a day when calm. For example, while brushing your teeth, pause and say: "I notice the taste of the toothpaste. I notice the brush on my gums." Practicing in calm moments builds the muscle for hard ones.)
STEP 2: FIND THE FEELING IN YOUR BODY
Emotions don't start in thoughts; they start in the body. If you've never been taught this, think of it as scanning for where the emotion is living right now.
How to do it:
Focus on 3 zones: chest, stomach, and shoulders.
For each zone, ask: heavy or light? tight or loose? hot or cool? numb or neutral?
Choose the strongest sensation. Place your hand there and breathe into it.
This turns a vague overwhelm into something specific you can work with.
(For people who feel "nothing": name numb as your body state, or create a signal by pressing your feet into the floor for 10 seconds. Notice the after-sensations. That counts.)
STEP 3: NAME THE FEELING
Naming emotions helps reduce their intensity and makes them easier to manage.
How to do it:
Start simple: angry, sad, scared, ashamed, happy.
Expand when you can: frustrated, lonely, anxious, rejected, proud, relieved.
Say it out loud or write: "I feel ___"
It's okay if you're unsure. Guessing is still progress.
And remember. even if you can't name the emotion yet, you can still move on to calming your body (Step 4) and exploring your needs (Step 5). Naming helps, but it's not required to keep going.
STEP 4: REGULATE THE EMOTION
Regulation means helping your nervous system return to balance, allowing you to think clearly. Choose tools based on how activated you feel.
If very overwhelmed (8-10/10):
Hold ice or splash cold water on your face.
Push your palms into a wall for 30 seconds, exhaling as you push.
Paced breathing: 4 seconds in, 6-8 seconds out for 2 minutes.
If moderately activated (4-7/10):
Try the butterfly hug (cross arms, tap shoulders alternately, slowly).
Walk slowly while counting steps out loud.
Box breathing: 5 seconds in, 5 seconds hold, 7 seconds out, 5 seconds hold.
Repeat!
If shut down/numb (0-3/10):
Do 10 squats or shake out arms.
Look around and name 5 safe objects you see.
Read something out loud to re-engage.
(If breathwork spikes panic, skip it. Use movement or cold instead, and stick with one tool for at least a minute before deciding it doesn't work.
STEP 5: ASK YOURSELF: WHAT NEED IS THIS FEELING POINTING TO?
Emotions are messengers. They highlight a need, often one you weren't allowed to have growing up.
Examples:
Anger → I need respect or space.
Sadness → I need comfort or support.
Fear → I need safety or clarity.
Shame → I need acceptance or repair.
How to do it
Write one sentence: "Because I feel (emotion), I likely need (need).* Then, choose one action you can take within the next 24 hours that moves you closer to meeting it.
(If your need depends on someone unsafe/unavailable, choose a self-sourced version: comfort = weighted blanket and kind words to self; safety = take a 10-minute break; validation = journal the event in detail.
BREAK THE CYCLE WITH CURIOSITY NOT CRITICISM
Old wiring makes us ask: "What's wrong with me?" But criticism reinforces shame. Curiosity shifts you into learning mode.
How to do it:
Replace "why am I like this?" with "what is this emotion trying to tell me?"
After each episode, do a debrief:
What happened (facts)?
Where did I feel it?
What emotion did I name?
What need did l identify?
What small skill can I try earlier next time?
This debrief keeps you growing instead of spiraling.
ONE LAST THING....
It's okay if this feels new or uncomfortable. You're practicing something you were never shown, and that matters. 💞